Euphemism for sex.

"The world is absurd, and beautiful, and small..." Maybe, maybe, maybe. I keep wanting to cry, too. Ha! I don't really know why either, just something about needing to...maybe. Last night I fucked up an explanation, as usual, allowing the words to get in the way of honesty. I tried though, real fucking hard, but they still came out as though half-assed and fully judgmental. (Okay girl, no hypocritically judging yourself now either...just take it easy and go kindly with your own heart, like you would anyone else's.) What shall I learn from this? For one, maybe that the things I want to say...well, in order for them to properly match my feelings, i can't change them midway to compensate or adjust to my listener's reaction. Right? On one hand, everything's in flux to a certain degree, and I love that I can be flexible enough to change how I think through something even smack dab in the middle of the thought. But then...what about changing the way I happen to be feeling? Not so much in the way that i feel about something, but rather the source of the feeling, honored as a thing in itself? Is it fair to discount the fact of it, by trying to change it just enough to make it welcome to another person? Or to make it about this other person, rather than owning my own emotions? I mean, what if he doesn't feel anything at all? Then where do i stand, except alone anyway AND suddenly confused?

God. Does it help to be this abstract? I don't know, but what i do know is that we play different roles with every person we're with. And the fact is not that they're all masks, but rather that all of them are equally true, even when they're not equally appreciated. So what do we want now? What is it that appears not to be fine with us, anyway? And what's it have to do with anyone else, regardless of how much I love him? The deal is this, then: I, really-truly, don't want something from someone if they don't want to give it to me...but this certainly becomes complicated when the act is less about giving or taking, and more about the simultaneous combination of both. Or even, something that might reach beyond either, like a type of sharing of an experience to the most intimate degree. Like the ideal of 'making love'? So...then what follows if i don't want to take from someone, anything not freely given--and yet at the same time i wish to give something of myself, which makes for an automatic rejection if I'm already accepting the other person's resistance as their own? And differently, at the same time as this strangeness goes on, a big fucking part of me wants so much to look beyond this singular dimension of sex as an always inadequate game of give and take, and move beyond it to a mutual welcoming of something altogether different. Thus we'd realize that any satisfaction or dissatisfaction resultant of the absurdly habitual games, just overlooks this point, and misses a potential even while actually wanting nothing less?

Faretheewell folk,
-Talthea (5/27/08)

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