So last night, he leaves me a message that says, "When you get here, lets spend 16 hours together, since that's how long it would have taken me to drive there and back--or rather, let's spend a couple hours since that's almost equivalent, when you get here. So that's what i was thinking, all that time I would have spent alone, let's spend it together..."

Okay, so I have some problems with this. For one (though it took me longest to think of it, for some reason), if we're gonna say it's all for the best, than let's say it because it's probably better that he's not here distracting me to no end by being around when I'm supposed to be moving. (Because of course I'd rather spend time with him than fucking move.) Or even, let's say that it's best that he's not here so that he can't stress me out when he's feeling uncomfortable in my transitioning house, or by himself dwelling and regretting the 8-hour drive up that might not have felt leisurely to him for whatever reasons. Point being: if it's hypothetically better this way, let's consider how it was in my best interests, not his--considering we're talking about my neglected birthday, here.

Secondly, the "16-hour drive" note is just a statement that says it would have taken effort to get his ass up here. Great! Effort shows by action the worth you feel something has. In this case, his making the effort to drive up here oughtta be outweighed (or even serve to value) by the occasion of my birthday party. And yes, he should have wanted to show me that the effort was worth it to him, just like he should have wanted to see me, especially on my birthday, enough to make an effort to that end.

And finally, along that same line: "16 hours together" instead?! (I'm not even gonna go into his immediate back-tracking that shrinks that number down to 2 the same minute he offers it.) Well, hell. Why couldn't we have spent that much time together either way, if he wanted to? I am going to be down there for a week, after all. Driving up for my birthday shouldn't/wouldn't have canceled out future time spent together. Frankly, the quantification is vaguely insulting--again, sounding like a quota he evidently feels he needs to meet for our relationship. Fuck that. See me if & when you want to see me. DO NOT fulfill imaginary quotas, or meet arbitrary expectations, that will make you feel like shit later either way. I do not hold on to my disappointment now, any more than I resent him for not showing up. But the only reasonable way to let go for me is by coming to peace with the fact that HE DID NOT WANT TO COME. Do not down play this. It is what it is. And yes, I have a right to be disappointed about it. But the fact that we value romantic gestures very differently (especially here and now, when I'm merely weeks from leaving California, regardless of the fact that he'll start my journey with me) is okay.

And this is how I'll make peace with my disappointment. NOT by saying it was best for him not to exert effort, or that he'll make it up to me later at his own convenience, once I make the drive all the way down to him--first to SoCal, and then to his neck of the woods in Encinitas. Because yeah, I'll do that--but no, it doesn't make up for the past, any more than it's much related to the fact that he didn't come. I'll do it because I want to see him. Because I always want to see him. And that's just the way we work.

(Besides girlfriend, don't forget that you've been thinking about it for a week and he didn't start until it was too late to take it back--or how you knew it would be that way. Sigh.)

Faretheewell folk,
-Talthea (7/23/09)