i am grateful for the folks in my life whose eyes reflect me from before the after. for shared grief, when going alone goes nowhere. for the faith that one day i'll once more recall gratitude in all of its full-bursting brightness, rather than having to tell myself that i ought to, almost all the time now...
i am grateful for that one shred of hopeful in the frail form of an email. for writing within the inherent limitations of context. for building words atop each other recklessly, and for the haphazard sentences sure to follow in the failed fall's wake.
i am grateful to be awake, and in waking to give free reign to the things i've really no power over anyway. for that peaceful sensation of powerlessness, to look time straight in its dozing eyes. for being able to admit each moment's beat; to feel the flow of perceived time in its singular rhythm.
and for gratitude endless, allowing me even now to be grateful.
-L (11/25/11)
![[Un]fortunate Philosophies](https://blogger.googleusercontent.com/img/b/R29vZ2xl/AVvXsEhwu6S7Pc2oMwWth-cUInhseYn0wmMdJwf7OwNj3AlwmT16FJiUljP8V3yXWTUnNCrlfrMTqvCW9WZq7BaOmi0KBcOCyP-e2huKiWMrDHCyXuOsCFN_xrecCYpFzqyNC1jAJugc/s660/BlogPic2.jpg)
(How hard it is to write now. Like the stagnant sink of quicksand.)
KS,
I feel you in numbers, now. I see you in exit signs; mile markers marking 427 miles; digital digits lighting up 10:10 of whatever section of day in a sickly pale green or piercing red. I hear you in sad stricken songs suddenly on the radio, singing words you used to sing to at 21 years old--and at any year before your last.
It's true that those exist still, in some way, intangible though they be. I wish I could still see them. I wish the past year didn't so consummately consume those shadows of the past.
It's 11/11/11 today. I will post this at 10:10pm. Somehow this small act of remembrance seems significant in ways that much else fails to. In casual, cryptic fashion, I fashion my months around the trilogy of days that signal missing you. Nine...ten...eleven. Today is 11/11/11. You died on 10/10/10. I want these simple truths to ring out loudly with simultaneous recognition; to somehow soften the aching harshness therein.
What else is there? Another year. The first, really. A book called Blue Nights that I expect to be a comfort--or at the very least familiar. The nearing to change, transformation, anythingotherthanthis. Decaf in the morning, pretending to wake me up. Another project to dive into, fixing other people's problems to not focus on my own. Letting my eyes adjust to the blur; no longer fighting for clarity. Rolling through the days with the gratitude of steam.
And meaning well in the mean time. Or else selling the sweetness of discreet distraction.
-L (11/11/11)
I feel you in numbers, now. I see you in exit signs; mile markers marking 427 miles; digital digits lighting up 10:10 of whatever section of day in a sickly pale green or piercing red. I hear you in sad stricken songs suddenly on the radio, singing words you used to sing to at 21 years old--and at any year before your last.
It's true that those exist still, in some way, intangible though they be. I wish I could still see them. I wish the past year didn't so consummately consume those shadows of the past.
It's 11/11/11 today. I will post this at 10:10pm. Somehow this small act of remembrance seems significant in ways that much else fails to. In casual, cryptic fashion, I fashion my months around the trilogy of days that signal missing you. Nine...ten...eleven. Today is 11/11/11. You died on 10/10/10. I want these simple truths to ring out loudly with simultaneous recognition; to somehow soften the aching harshness therein.
What else is there? Another year. The first, really. A book called Blue Nights that I expect to be a comfort--or at the very least familiar. The nearing to change, transformation, anythingotherthanthis. Decaf in the morning, pretending to wake me up. Another project to dive into, fixing other people's problems to not focus on my own. Letting my eyes adjust to the blur; no longer fighting for clarity. Rolling through the days with the gratitude of steam.
And meaning well in the mean time. Or else selling the sweetness of discreet distraction.
-L (11/11/11)
"A box of rain will ease the pain and love will see you through."
Box of Rain
by: Grateful Dead
"Look out of any window
any morning, any evening, any day.
Maybe the sun is shining
birds are winging or
rain is falling from a heavy sky.
What do you want me to do,
to do for you to see you through?
This is all a dream we dreamed
one afternoon long ago.
Walk out of any doorway
feel your way, feel your way
like the day before.
Maybe you'll find direction
around some corner
where it's been waiting to meet you.
What do you want me to do,
to watch for you while you're sleeping?
Well please don't be surprised
when you find me dreaming too.
Look into any eyes
you find by you, you can see
clear through to another day.
I know it's been seen before
through other eyes on other days
while going home.
What do you want me to do,
to do for you to see you through?
It's all a dream we dreamed
one afternoon long ago.
Walk into splintered sunlight
inch your way through dead dreams
to another land.
Maybe you're tired and broken.
Your tongue is twisted
with words half spoken
and thoughts unclear.
What do you want me to do
to do for you to see you through?
A box of rain will ease the pain
and love will see you through.
Just a box of rain,
wind and water.
Believe it if you need it,
if you don't just pass it on.
Sun and shower,
wind and rain,
in and out the window
like a moth before a flame.
It's just a box of rain
I don't know who put it there.
Believe it if you need it
or leave it if you dare.
And it's just a box of rain
or a ribbon for your hair.
Such a long long time to be gone
and a short time to be there."
-L (10/13/11)
by: Grateful Dead
"Look out of any window
any morning, any evening, any day.
Maybe the sun is shining
birds are winging or
rain is falling from a heavy sky.
What do you want me to do,
to do for you to see you through?
This is all a dream we dreamed
one afternoon long ago.
Walk out of any doorway
feel your way, feel your way
like the day before.
Maybe you'll find direction
around some corner
where it's been waiting to meet you.
What do you want me to do,
to watch for you while you're sleeping?
Well please don't be surprised
when you find me dreaming too.
Look into any eyes
you find by you, you can see
clear through to another day.
I know it's been seen before
through other eyes on other days
while going home.
What do you want me to do,
to do for you to see you through?
It's all a dream we dreamed
one afternoon long ago.
Walk into splintered sunlight
inch your way through dead dreams
to another land.
Maybe you're tired and broken.
Your tongue is twisted
with words half spoken
and thoughts unclear.
What do you want me to do
to do for you to see you through?
A box of rain will ease the pain
and love will see you through.
Just a box of rain,
wind and water.
Believe it if you need it,
if you don't just pass it on.
Sun and shower,
wind and rain,
in and out the window
like a moth before a flame.
It's just a box of rain
I don't know who put it there.
Believe it if you need it
or leave it if you dare.
And it's just a box of rain
or a ribbon for your hair.
Such a long long time to be gone
and a short time to be there."
-L (10/13/11)
10/10/11
Sister,
A year ago today a light went out that has left the world dimmer. The days stopped counting themselves. The past year has been a blink; an indefinite pause between infinite shades of darkness.
Today we'll send firelight into the night sky to pay tribute to the light we've lost in you. An indistinct signal from so far away, but with any luck you'll recognize it.
How every day we love you more. How this is how you changed the world.
Still here. Still loving you more than life.
<3, -Sister
A year ago today a light went out that has left the world dimmer. The days stopped counting themselves. The past year has been a blink; an indefinite pause between infinite shades of darkness.
Today we'll send firelight into the night sky to pay tribute to the light we've lost in you. An indistinct signal from so far away, but with any luck you'll recognize it.
How every day we love you more. How this is how you changed the world.
Still here. Still loving you more than life.
<3, -Sister
Balloon Release
"Hi everyone,
On Sunday October 9th 2011, at 5pm PST, we're inviting our family and friends to honor and remember our beloved Katie Sue by releasing a balloon decorated with a note, picture, or message for her, or inspired by her.
We welcome you all to join us at Tri City Park to share a potluck picnic prior to the balloon release, in the company of people who will be thinking of Katie on that momentous day. For those of you who can't make it, as we realize that many of her closest friends and family members don't currently live in California, one of the most unique qualities for a ritual such as this one is that each of us can participate no matter where we are or in what time zone.
We appreciate your presence, your contribution, your love & thoughts, and especially the singular role you each played in Katie's life -- for with these things there'll always be threads braiding between your lives and ours. Please let me know if you'll be able to come, or if not, feel free to contact me if you have any questions, comments, or suggestions. We'll bring the balloons, markers, helium, and a few snacks; you bring your memories, messages, and a dish or drinks to share, if you're able.
All our love,
-Laura (Katie's lucky-ass Sister) & the West Clan
P.S.: Latex balloons are biodegradable and legal to release in California; metallic balloons are not. See these websites for more information if you're curious or otherwise concerned: 1) http://www.balloonrelease.com/faqs.htm or 2) http://www.balloonhq.com/faq/deco_rules.html#california"
On Sunday October 9th 2011, at 5pm PST, we're inviting our family and friends to honor and remember our beloved Katie Sue by releasing a balloon decorated with a note, picture, or message for her, or inspired by her.
We welcome you all to join us at Tri City Park to share a potluck picnic prior to the balloon release, in the company of people who will be thinking of Katie on that momentous day. For those of you who can't make it, as we realize that many of her closest friends and family members don't currently live in California, one of the most unique qualities for a ritual such as this one is that each of us can participate no matter where we are or in what time zone.
We appreciate your presence, your contribution, your love & thoughts, and especially the singular role you each played in Katie's life -- for with these things there'll always be threads braiding between your lives and ours. Please let me know if you'll be able to come, or if not, feel free to contact me if you have any questions, comments, or suggestions. We'll bring the balloons, markers, helium, and a few snacks; you bring your memories, messages, and a dish or drinks to share, if you're able.
All our love,
-Laura (Katie's lucky-ass Sister) & the West Clan
P.S.: Latex balloons are biodegradable and legal to release in California; metallic balloons are not. See these websites for more information if you're curious or otherwise concerned: 1) http://www.balloonrelease.com/faqs.htm or 2) http://www.balloonhq.com/faq/deco_rules.html#california"
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)